Chinese Has A Gambling Culture

Consider:

• Gambling Origin - Implements associated with the practice of gambling have been found in ancient China sites dating back to about 2300 B.C...Playing cards may have developed in China, since the Chinese developed both paper and money made from paper. In fact, the Chinese are said to have come up with the practice of shuffling paper money about 900 A.D. This may have evolved into the practice of shuffling cards.
• The Hong Kong movie industry produces the most movies with themes revolving around gambling. Here's a partial list.
• Mahjong is the longest-running fad in the Chinese communities. And it will stay as fad forever.
• The most popular greeting during Chinese New Year is Gong Xi Fa Cai, which really is a congratulatory saying for winning in gambling. That's because every Chinese is expected to gamble in the New Year.

I took this picture today, the second day of CNY, the youngest gambler is only five years old.

Fourth Email from Dr Chin

Hi,

It's my pleasure to help in any way I can. And, a very Happy New Year to you and family too! You are a very caring man shown by your unconditional love to your mom. She is a very lucky woman to have a son like you who is also a scholar. Our parents' generation have different values to us especially to those who had the opportunity to be educated in the west. Our perspectives and means may differ but the end is always the same i.e.. caring for one another. Your mom seems to be ridden with so much guilt but accepts little responsibility. You have to point out to her that her sense of guilt is meaningless unless she stops gambling altogether. I believe your mom might have had, in the beginning, some personal problems unbeknown to others and gambling was a way of distraction, preoccupation and 'comfort' to her. But I suspect, it soon became an addiction and consequently her original personal problems and gambling addiction are now rolled into one. Alas, you are all currently trying to pick up the entangled pieces. By paying off her debts, you are merely coping with the consequences of her addiction and not dealing with the problem. It seems your mom's guilt is now secondary to her primary desire and that is, gambling. You really will have 'to be cruel to be kind' as the saying goes and offer your mom some kind of an ultimatum (something that only you and family know to be effective), otherwise, you may not only lose you condo but your mom too. There is only one purpose in life for all addicts (assuming your mom is one) and that is to satisfy their compulsive urge (did you read my previous article on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?). Treatment for your mom should include the family in terms of helping her to wean off her addiction and a 'one to one' therapy in dealing with the underlying problems which led to her addiction in the first place. As you rightly put it, she is in a loop, thus, you need to untangle the loop for her. At present, she cannot see the woods from the trees! I am sorry if I appear to be unkind but I am merely offering you my honest views and it would be wrong of me to say things you want to hear or reassure you that you are doing the right thing when it is not.

Please keep me informed

Kind Regards,

Dr. Chin

Is Genting Gambling with Your Life?

We have got really good road in Malaysia. If you drive to Genting, you'll see plenty of driver aids such as reflective road studs, flashing LEDs, and state-of-the-art wireless-controlled active traffic information boards along the way. However, once you get to the roads built by Genting, you won't see any of these. All you have to guide you in bad weather or in heavy fog is the painted white dividers in the middle of the road.

Genting can do more to install better road-safety infrastructure:

• reflective road studs placed along the side of roads to make it possible to identify the edge of the road
  
• sharp bend sign with blinkers to improve visibility in bad weather
• fog warning system to indicate traffic rules to observe: remind drivers to switch on headlights, observe speed limit, and provide visibility reading

When visibility drops to zero and with no help from Genting, it is like driving with a blindfold. Ask yourself if it is worth gambling with your life, or let Genting gamble with yours?

Third Correspondence with Dr Chin

Dr Chin emailed me for the third time on 2 February. My reply at the end.

Hi,

Thank you for clarifying my query re: “fit” as well mentioning the many signs that you alluded to: lying, chasing losses, borrowing money, always betting more, being obsessed with gambling, being unable to stop gambling, gambling out of need, gambling to forget.
The above, indeed confirm that your mum is addicted to gambling. First of all, you are wise not to deal directly with your mum’s loan sharks – it only complicates matter and may create unforeseen ramifications. Anyhow, the problem lies not with them but with your mum. Who knows, if you mum can’t get it from them, she may borrow from others who may be even more sinister.

You are certainly right that, there may an underlying cause(s) which led to your mum’s gambling addiction (which is presently unknown?) and if such is the case, then, it has to be dealt with. For example, your mum’s marriage broke up – apparently because of her gambling? - thus, could her unhappy marriage lead her to gambling in the first place? - so as to compensate for her unhappiness (e.g. depression?).Obviously, there are some gamblers, who played for fun initially but eventually got addicted to it – just like alcohol. Just out of curiosity, does your mum live by herself (is she lonely?) and what else can she do? if gambling is not an option? Has she got any hobbies, interests or any other purposeful activities or something to look foward to?

I should hope that whoever works with your mum, will include all in the family as part of her treatment. The fact that your mum is aware of the hurt she is causing all of you, is a very potent reinforcer to be included as part of the therapy to assist your mum’s problem. Since you are aware of Goffman’s work (‘labelling’ and ‘stigma’), you may not consider your mum’s problem as a ‘disease’ (Are you a medical doctor (“Freshman”), yourself?) – but regardless of the clinical or social definition, the fact remains - your mum’s problem is cascading to everyone around her.

Thanks for the blog info.


Regards,

Dr. Chin

Hi Dr Chin

Happy Lunar New Year.

I am grateful that you take the time to correspond. I am a freelance web developer, I read Goffman's book in a sociology course in an American College. That's 26 years ago. My major was Electrical Engineering, eventually, I got my BSEE from University of Texas at Austin in 1988. While I was busy studying, things had been rough back home.

My parents were not as lucky as me. They had almost no education. Now, I know a few very successful and very smart persons who had little or no education, these are really exceptional cases, which my parents are not. I wish there's an easy way to upload my mind to them so they can experience my world view, understand what I've learned, and borrow the tools that I have to help them think. To me, my mom's problem is trivial. But for her, wow. I have tried and tried and tried for so many years, I failed to alleviate one iota of her sufferings. I have come to believe that to suffer is hard-wired in her brain. I read about the plasticity of human brain, there must be a way to stimulate new pathways, new connections, to promote new ways of thinking. I don't know how it can be done.

Mom is 75, her thinking is in a loop, and the loop is spiraling towards self-destruction. These are some of the things she vocalizes: I am useless; if I die, everything will be ok; I've got to pay back my sons, I don't like owing anyone's money; I am a burden to everyone; if my luck is good, I can win back the money; my luck is not good; I don't know why I'm agitated and get angry easily; if I have the courage, I'll just jump and kill myself and cease to be a burden.

After getting her down from Genting, she's been staying with my family for the past couple of weeks, under my watch 24 hours everyday. But my wife needs to be back to Muar for the New Year, so we sent mom to my brother's today. My wife warned me that she'll be in Genting. I replied that I still have a condo I can sell and I hope that she won't lose that much.

We'll see.

正大光明

Dr Chin's Questions

I've just received Dr Chin's email with more questions. My answers are in grey.

Hi,

You may by all means, show my response. Does your mum suffer from Epilepsy? I am not sure what you mean by her "fits" - is it organic in origin or is it because of the shock, i.e. 'fainted', of having lost so much money? That, in itself has to be investigated whether it is related to gambling.

None of that. What I meant was my mom's behavioral pattern fits many of the signs of problem gambling: lying, chasing losses, borrowing money, always betting more, being obsessed with gambling, being unable to stop gambling, gambling out of need, gambling to forget.

It sounds like your mum's gambling has got out of hand for many a year. Why have you and family not tackled her problem before until now?

Why? We didn't know better. I was over-confidence of my persuasive power, and I thought I had put in her head the foolishness of gambling. And I believed her when she said she wouldn't go to Genting again. I read Erving Goffman's The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life in my Freshman and the unfolding events over the past week just reminded me of Goffman's masks. I have taken off one of mom's masks.

Having said that, it's never too late! Bailing your mother out each time (paying back the debts) only perpectuate/encourage her gambling habit. So far, what are the consequences that your mother personally bear (e.g. make her known of the pain she is causing the family etc). It seems you and family are the ones who keep bailing her out i.e. shielding her from the consequences!

If I could reach into the center of my Mom's pain, I would wipe it clean. It was not easy for my Mom to ask her sons to pay off the debts. It was not easy to convince her to please let me pay her recent debt. All she wanted to do was for us to leave her alone so she could continue on in Genting. She was convinced that she could win back the money she lost. She wanted so much to win so she could pay back the money I bailed her out the last time.

Thus, Family support (not in terms of bearing the consequences of her behalf) and involvement in dealing with your mum's problem is essential as well as personal counseling. In the mean time, can you not find a way to control her finances?

My wife told me that if we cut-off her supply of money, she would not be able to gamble. I was thinking of setting up a trap to catch my mom's Ah Longs and hand it to the authority. After thinking over and talking to Genting's Security, I decided to not pursue it further:

• these are soft Ah Loans, they will not harm my mom in anyway
• I believe these are the only Ah Longs my mom are comfortable dealing with and if they no longer operate, and for some unforeseen reason my mom end up in Genting again, she may be force to borrow from the other hard Ah Long.

It is a good idea that you should asap contact the Psychological services as per list.

I have not been able to persuade my mom to see a counselor. I believe the problem is a lot deeper. I have not been listening to my mom all these years, the communication has been largely one way from me to her; and now when I try to listen, I find it hard to get her to open up. She told me she has not been happy a single day for the past ten over years. I asked why. She said she doesn't know.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.

Regards,

Dr. Chin

Mom's Ah Longs

Mom has two Ah Longs: a hokkien-speaking called Beng Choo and a cantonese-speaking called Kim Tai. I called Beng Choo first. This is the second time I called her, the first time was in July 2009 when I bailed Mom out for the first time.

Me: 我怎样拿钱给你？ 你有去云顶无？
BC: 我很少去云顶。 你直头进银行。
Me: 你不要再借钱给我老母，我不会再为她还。
BC: 不要紧， 老母一个吧了， 给她一些钱赌博不要紧，嘿嘿。。。

Beng Choo didn't want to meet me and she was very careful of saying more than she needed to say. Next I called Kim Tai.

Me: 你不好再借钱给我妈，你知道她有同其他阿窿借无？
KT: 我不知道，如果我知道，我不会借给她。我不会再借给她，如果我再借，你不需要还。
Me: 你知道为什么我妈去云顶无？
KT: 我一直有劝她。我知道你妈一路来都很不开心，她去云顶已经很久了。自从她女儿死后, 她从来没有忘记她，她很伤心。

My sister died of aneurysm in the brain in 1984. May be the problem is deeper than I thought.

Quiet

Mom was quiet on the way home from Genting. She would not answer questions. Later on in a restaurant, I let my wife tried talking to her. It went something like this:

• 我们不是不让你赌，你可以赌，但你要让我们知道；当我们有空时，也可以带你来。
• 云顶是不会让你赢的；云顶是世界上最奸的赌场。
• 当你输完，就马上停, 不要继续赌。

I signaled my wife that this was not getting through to Mom. Mom avoided eye contact; she was far away in her own world. But at one point, she said in a soft voice 可以赢的，一次几百，几百是可以赢回来的。

It was difficult to talk to her. I knew I had to establish rapport before she would open up. I had to figure out and get to the center of her concern. I asked her directly:

• 你是不是欠阿窿钱？多少？十万？五万？三万？
• 你不要担心，我会为你解决。
• 利息是多少？你跟多少个阿窿借？

She would not say much. Just remained quiet. But eventually, we got a number.