Fourth Email from Dr Chin

Hi,

It's my pleasure to help in any way I can. And, a very Happy New Year to you and family too! You are a very caring man shown by your unconditional love to your mom. She is a very lucky woman to have a son like you who is also a scholar. Our parents' generation have different values to us especially to those who had the opportunity to be educated in the west. Our perspectives and means may differ but the end is always the same i.e.. caring for one another. Your mom seems to be ridden with so much guilt but accepts little responsibility. You have to point out to her that her sense of guilt is meaningless unless she stops gambling altogether. I believe your mom might have had, in the beginning, some personal problems unbeknown to others and gambling was a way of distraction, preoccupation and 'comfort' to her. But I suspect, it soon became an addiction and consequently her original personal problems and gambling addiction are now rolled into one. Alas, you are all currently trying to pick up the entangled pieces. By paying off her debts, you are merely coping with the consequences of her addiction and not dealing with the problem. It seems your mom's guilt is now secondary to her primary desire and that is, gambling. You really will have 'to be cruel to be kind' as the saying goes and offer your mom some kind of an ultimatum (something that only you and family know to be effective), otherwise, you may not only lose you condo but your mom too. There is only one purpose in life for all addicts (assuming your mom is one) and that is to satisfy their compulsive urge (did you read my previous article on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?). Treatment for your mom should include the family in terms of helping her to wean off her addiction and a 'one to one' therapy in dealing with the underlying problems which led to her addiction in the first place. As you rightly put it, she is in a loop, thus, you need to untangle the loop for her. At present, she cannot see the woods from the trees! I am sorry if I appear to be unkind but I am merely offering you my honest views and it would be wrong of me to say things you want to hear or reassure you that you are doing the right thing when it is not.

Please keep me informed

Kind Regards,

Dr. Chin